A few weeks ago, I posted this side-by-side photo on Instagram and Facebook. It was the first time I had ever posted a photo of myself sans makeup on the internet in my entire life. I was nervous, but I'm so glad I did it.
So, here's my story.
From about the time I was 12 or 13 years old I felt like this girl on the left was a girl that needed to be hidden away. I felt like she wasn't worthy to stand next to all of the beautiful girls around me. Frankly, I was embarrassed of my natural skin, and especially of the hideous cystic acne I had inherited. So makeup became my refuge and I became the girl on the right. A girl who felt beautiful during the day and honestly like a monster during the night when I had to take my makeup off.
I was absolutely petrified to let anyone see me without makeup. I dreaded going to sleepovers and would usually end up just sleeping with a full face on so that my friends wouldn't see me for who I truly was. I found myself apologizing to my parents and other family members if they ever had the misfortune to catch a glimpse of me makeup free. Basically, I felt like the Phantom from "The Phantom of the Opera". I needed my mask to hide my hideousness.
Over the years, and as my acne started to subside, I became a tad more comfortable with my skin. College helped a lot with that. I pretty much had to learn to have a bare face in front of my roommates, but that didn't keep me from doing my makeup almost as soon as I woke up and then not taking it off until right before bedtime.
Specifically, there was one incident that absolutely horrified me. When my husband, Zach, and I first started dating, there was one night, after we had been hanging out, when he left my apartment and went home and then I, as usual, washed my face and got ready for bed. But then something I had not anticipated happened. He called me and asked me to meet him in the lobby of my apartment complex because he had something he wanted to give me.
I was terrified.
I had never let a guy, let alone one that I really liked, see me without makeup on. I literally begged Zach to just give whatever it was to me the next day. But he was adamant that I come down. So I decided to go and I honestly had never felt so ashamed of myself. I couldn't even look him in the eye. He ended up giving me his jacket (aww..) and he didn't even say anything about me not wearing makeup. But that didn't change the fact that I was super embarrassed.
So this was my life. At least up until a few months ago. One day I realized how quickly I was running though my makeup because I wore it literally every day. I wanted to change this, simply to save a bit of money. So I decided to do an experiment. I decided to not wear makeup just a few days during the week. This wasn't too much of a problem for me since I was unemployed, had just finished school, and, therefore, had few places I needed to be anyways.
At first, I felt just as ugly as I've always felt. I hated looking at myself in the mirror and I was terrified to leave the house. But then one day I needed to buy something and I didn't feel like putting my makeup on so I took a leap of faith and went to the store completely makeup free.
And you know what? The world didn't end!
I was still embarrassed and I knew that I would have been a heck of a lot more comfortable had I put on my usual "mask," but nothing truly terrible happened!
And then slowly, but surely, I've started doing more and more things sans makeup and slowly, but surely, I've gotten more and more used to seeing the girl on the left. And the more I see her, the more comfortable I become with being her. And as I grow more comfortable, I begin to like this girl on the left and how free and confident she is in her own skin.
I love that girl on the left now. And I love being her. Because that means that I am confident and comfortable and I am happy with being me. I know now how beautiful I am with, or without makeup. And I know now how wrong I was to think I was ugly.
I still love the girl on the right! And, obviously, my LOVE for makeup is for life!! But I don't NEED to be the girl on the right. And I think that's quite an accomplishment.
So don't sell yourself short. It doesn't matter if you have acne or acne scars. It doesn't matter if you have a blotchy skin tone. It doesn't matter if you have freckles or uneven eyebrows, or bags and dark circles under your eyes.
Use makeup for creativity. For fun! But don't use it to cover up who you truly are.
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