thoughts on motherhood

Finley finally enjoys sleeping in her carrier wrap, so I finally have my hands free to write a blogpost and have a snack haha.

I've been trying to figure out how to put into words all of the thoughts and emotions I've felt over the past month and a half since I became a mother. It certainly has been the most humbling month and a half of my life. I've learned so much in such a short amount of time. It's exciting, hectic, emotionally and physically draining, fun, boring, wonderful, stressful, and so much more all wrapped into one. My thoughts are so jumbled about being a mother because I think I still have a hard time grasping the fact that I actually am one. 

I look in the mirror and I see a girl woman who looks more or less the same as she did one year ago. Before I got pregnant. Before we were even trying to get pregnant. I was lucky enough to not have gained too much weight in my pregnancy (perks of having a tiny baby) so my body has gone relatively back to normal. I'm wearing all the same clothes. Even my hair has almost grown back to last year's length. You'd think the last 10 months of my life had never happened. And in a lot of ways, I feel about the same on the inside too. I'm still just as stubborn, just as nerdy, just as weird as I've always been. I still have all the same hopes and dreams and ambitions for my life. 

Only I'm stronger. More confident. More ready to face life's challenges. Because pregnancy was tough and motherhood is even tougher. And if I can do this. 

If I can wake up two or three times a night for an hour or so each time.

If I can stand my baby girl's regular screams and cries. 

If I can spend the majority of my day feeding, changing, rocking her to sleep over and over and over again only to be left with ten minutes of "me" time during which I fold laundry. 

If I can handle feeling like I'm under house arrest.

If I can let this precious little one poop on me (like I'm pretty sure she's doing right now). 

If I can watch this much Netflix.

If I can handle the constant anxiety over whether or not she's sleeping, eating, happy, sad, sick, or even just breathing. 

If I can have this much fun and be this excited over the tiniest little smile.

If I can be this content and at peace as I snuggle my sleeping girl.

If I can handle my heart bursting with joy and pride and a completely insane and incomprehensible feeling of love and adoration for this tiny human being I get to call my daughter, 

then I can do anything.

Motherhood has taught me so many things in the past month and a half. But what it's taught me most is that I can do hard things. I can do anything. And I would do anything for my sweet, sweet Finley girl who is currently sleeping on my chest. And pooping. 

I love her more than anything in this world (except perhaps my Zachary). I am so happy to be her mother. And I am so grateful that I can be her mother forever and ever.

I can't wait to find out what else motherhood has in store for me.