When I was pregnant I was totally ready to breastfeed.
I knew, of course, it wouldn't be easy so I wanted to try and get ahead of the game by doing lots of research and studying. By the time I delivered Finley, I knew all about the benefits of breastfeeding for me and my baby. The different breastfeeding positions. How to hold my breast. The best methods to get a good latch. I also knew that I shouldn't let the nurses give her a bottle and that I should avoid bottles at all cost for at least the first two weeks. That's just what I kept seeing and hearing.
Then September 3rd, 2015 finally came and my sweet, precious 5 pound 15 ounce Finley was born. And it was time to put all of my new knowledge to the test.
But she was so tiny and fragile. And I was still learning how to even hold her head properly. I was exhausted and emotional. And I was uncomfortably aware of the fact that I had no idea what I was doing with this tiny human being who was somehow my daughter--let alone know how to feed her from my body (?!?!).
Needless to say, like many first time moms out there, I had a difficult time getting Finley to latch on at first. After all of the normal testing, they found that her glucose levels were low. She needed to eat in order to get them up. So we tried breastfeeding again. And again, it was pretty much a fail. They tested her once more. And her glucose levels dropped lower.
Then came the words I'd been dreading. The nurse said, "Would it be okay if we gave her some formula?"
I didn't want them to give her a bottle. But like I said. I was exhausted. I was overwhelmed. And my brand new baby who I hadn't seen for literally hours needed to eat. If her glucose levels continued to drop, she would be headed to the NICU and all I wanted was for her to be happy and healthy and safe.
So Zach and I said OK. And they gave her a bottle. And her glucose levels shot up. And she was able to come back to me and we continued to work on breastfeeding. And eventually she was able to latch and everything was fine. But her doctor wanted us to keep supplementing with the formula because she was so small and to make sure her glucose levels didn't drop again.
We continued to supplement for the whole first month. And Finley continued to gain weight steadily. At her one month appointment, her doctor said that it would be okay if we stopped supplementing and went to breastmilk only. I was so excited. After my mom had left and Zach had gone back to work, I had had to manage breastfeeding and bottle feeding all by myself during the day and it was a lot of work. I was excited to just focus on breastfeeding my baby and to get away from the bottles for the most part.
Throughout that month I started noticing how difficult it was to breastfeed Finley. Everyone would tell me that it would get easier as time went on, but it just seemed to be getting harder. She was a very easily distracted baby (and still is to this day) and as she got older and became more aware of her surroundings, she just preferred to look around the room rather than breastfeed. She would latch and then unlatch over and over again to the point where it would take a full hour to feed her. And by the time we were done feeding I would barely get a break before it was time to start feeding her again. It was so frustrating.
And when at her two month appointment I found out that she had gained less than a pound and was still only 8 pounds 4 ounces, I was completely devastated. The doctor said that we should start supplementing again until we got her weight up. And she wanted to see us again in two weeks. I felt like such a failure. I felt like I had been starving my baby.
So we started supplementing again, but once again it was incredibly time consuming. I'd try to breastfeed her for over an hour and then immediately make a 4 ounce bottle which she would completely guzzle down. That just made me feel like she preferred the bottle over the breast (which she probably did at that point) and also showed me that she wasn't getting enough from me at all. I started pumping a lot more and trying out lots of things to help boost my supply, but I was barely getting an ounce out at a time from both breasts.
It got to the point where I was literally doing nothing but trying to feed my child and both of us were hating it. One day I was sitting on the couch trying to breastfeed Finley again. She was latching and unlatching over and over again and it just wasn't working. I finally looked over at Zach and said that I couldn't do it anymore.
I only breastfed Finley a couple of times more after that. I continued to pump over the next couple weeks, but I still was only getting an ounce out at the most every time I tried. It eventually just wasn't worth it anymore. By December, Finley was completely formula fed.
It was an incredibly difficult decision to stop breastfeeding my baby. I cried and cried and cried about it. I was so embarrassed. Mostly because I'd been taught throughout my pregnancy that "breast is always best."
I've since gotten over that embarrassment and have actually come to realize that formula feeding was the best decision I've made as a mother thus far.
Two weeks after Finley's sad "8 pounds 4 ounce" appointment, she weighed 9 pounds 10 ounces. And she's steadily continued to gain and gain weight on formula. She went from being not even on the charts for weight to now somewhere around the 25th percentile. She is happy and healthy. She's still tricky to feed at times, but overall loves her bottles and she loves trying lots of new foods now. She is smart and strong and observant and adventurous. I'm 100% sure that the formula isn't holding her back at all.
It's been five months since I stopped breastfeeding now and sometimes I do still wonder if I made the best decision. Maybe I should have talked with a lactation consultant more. Maybe I should have pumped more or done more things to up my milk supply. I do still agree that breast is probably best in most situations. But there are some situations when it just isn't.
I guess the point of this whole blog post is this: everyone has their own breastfeeding (or non-breastfeeding) story. Some people have great success with it. Some people just don't. There are many reasons why a mother may choose to formula feed. But they're all just trying to do what's best for their them and their baby.
Breastfeeding is an amazing thing. Props to all you hardworking mothers who do it! You all inspire me so much! It just wasn't for me with this baby. I will gladly try again with my next baby and perhaps he or she will take to it better than Finley. But if they don't, that's okay too.
We continued to supplement for the whole first month. And Finley continued to gain weight steadily. At her one month appointment, her doctor said that it would be okay if we stopped supplementing and went to breastmilk only. I was so excited. After my mom had left and Zach had gone back to work, I had had to manage breastfeeding and bottle feeding all by myself during the day and it was a lot of work. I was excited to just focus on breastfeeding my baby and to get away from the bottles for the most part.
Throughout that month I started noticing how difficult it was to breastfeed Finley. Everyone would tell me that it would get easier as time went on, but it just seemed to be getting harder. She was a very easily distracted baby (and still is to this day) and as she got older and became more aware of her surroundings, she just preferred to look around the room rather than breastfeed. She would latch and then unlatch over and over again to the point where it would take a full hour to feed her. And by the time we were done feeding I would barely get a break before it was time to start feeding her again. It was so frustrating.
And when at her two month appointment I found out that she had gained less than a pound and was still only 8 pounds 4 ounces, I was completely devastated. The doctor said that we should start supplementing again until we got her weight up. And she wanted to see us again in two weeks. I felt like such a failure. I felt like I had been starving my baby.
So we started supplementing again, but once again it was incredibly time consuming. I'd try to breastfeed her for over an hour and then immediately make a 4 ounce bottle which she would completely guzzle down. That just made me feel like she preferred the bottle over the breast (which she probably did at that point) and also showed me that she wasn't getting enough from me at all. I started pumping a lot more and trying out lots of things to help boost my supply, but I was barely getting an ounce out at a time from both breasts.
It got to the point where I was literally doing nothing but trying to feed my child and both of us were hating it. One day I was sitting on the couch trying to breastfeed Finley again. She was latching and unlatching over and over again and it just wasn't working. I finally looked over at Zach and said that I couldn't do it anymore.
I only breastfed Finley a couple of times more after that. I continued to pump over the next couple weeks, but I still was only getting an ounce out at the most every time I tried. It eventually just wasn't worth it anymore. By December, Finley was completely formula fed.
It was an incredibly difficult decision to stop breastfeeding my baby. I cried and cried and cried about it. I was so embarrassed. Mostly because I'd been taught throughout my pregnancy that "breast is always best."
I've since gotten over that embarrassment and have actually come to realize that formula feeding was the best decision I've made as a mother thus far.
Two weeks after Finley's sad "8 pounds 4 ounce" appointment, she weighed 9 pounds 10 ounces. And she's steadily continued to gain and gain weight on formula. She went from being not even on the charts for weight to now somewhere around the 25th percentile. She is happy and healthy. She's still tricky to feed at times, but overall loves her bottles and she loves trying lots of new foods now. She is smart and strong and observant and adventurous. I'm 100% sure that the formula isn't holding her back at all.
It's been five months since I stopped breastfeeding now and sometimes I do still wonder if I made the best decision. Maybe I should have talked with a lactation consultant more. Maybe I should have pumped more or done more things to up my milk supply. I do still agree that breast is probably best in most situations. But there are some situations when it just isn't.
I guess the point of this whole blog post is this: everyone has their own breastfeeding (or non-breastfeeding) story. Some people have great success with it. Some people just don't. There are many reasons why a mother may choose to formula feed. But they're all just trying to do what's best for their them and their baby.
Breastfeeding is an amazing thing. Props to all you hardworking mothers who do it! You all inspire me so much! It just wasn't for me with this baby. I will gladly try again with my next baby and perhaps he or she will take to it better than Finley. But if they don't, that's okay too.
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